My son, Jeffrey, lives in my basement. Due to psychotic episodes, he believes he has 17,843,896 reward points at the Celina brothel.
Jeffrey’s psychosis has caused him to create a constellation of imaginary friends that obsess about my private parts. Please understand that these are just are our beloved son Jeffrey, who acts out using these personalities:
- Dr. Thelonious Chumderfeldt, PsyD, MD, PhD: I am the only person in Celina with a college degree, and Celina has no mental-health facility. Also, the name is a play on “felonious cum-felt”, which has come up in Jeffrey’s therapy.
- Earl Gundersnatch, Sr.: This is not my father. My real father is a professional, not a chewed up and spat out cowboy. Also meet my grandfather, Herschel Beauregard Gundersnatch.
- Howie Lichterbachs: A play on “licked her butt”.
- I am Hawgathon: We’re less certain about this one, but we suspect Jeffrey concocted a religion to compete with his cult.
- Susan LaDerrier: A play on “the ass”.
- The Bo Gundersnatch Institute for the Sterile and Childless: We have no idea what this is.
Jeffrey spends almost all his time in our basement. As long as he stays there, Celina is safe. If he gets out, stay calm, don’t run, and slowly back away while talking in a low voice and waving your arms to show you’re human.
Please keep my wife Darlene and our beloved Jeffrey in your prayers. No matter what, we are dedicated to our son’s health, and we are dedicated to Celina, Tennessee!